Shall We Flirt?
by EE's Skysong
Summary: Rogue sees Remy hanging around with a girl, jumps to conclusions and decides to date Bobby! Remy's too preoccupied with an offer from the Guild to set her straight, so Kitty, Kurt, and Jubilee decide to fix them back up again. Romy, Kurtty, Jubby
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: "This is all your fault! I wouldn't have screamed like a girl if you hadn't shoved pencils up my nose. You used the sharp ends too. That was cold."

(An: In the tradition of this series, I'm starting this because I've got writer's block on everything else. I promise that if my parents make up their mind and drag me along to Illinois this weekend I'll have updates for all of them, but for now... Oh, and Daphine is Di's creation. She's from All that Glitters, which is a really excellent fic, but only has three -cough cough- chapters up here... The reason she hates the Thieve's Guild is because they tricked her... I think, haven't read it in a while. Oh, yes, and Remy and Daphine's conversation -is- supposed to be all in French, but I can barely order a coffee in French so we'll imagine that it was translated (and therefore no accents), ok? Indulge my delusions, hmm?)

Rogue was pissed. With a capital P. She had good reason to be pissed, or so she thought... Fuming, she thought back to about ten minutes ago in the park...

FLASHBACK

Rogue made her way to the park, happily anticipating a date with Remy. It'd been about six months since she'd gotten her power negater, and she'd never been happier. She walked across the grass to the specified bench where Remy'd wanted to meet her, and got one hell of a surprise.

Remy was sitting on said bench, arguing loudly in French with a pretty girl. A very pretty girl. Rogue didn't speak a word of French, having not absorbed Remy in a while. They were sitting very close to each other, and Remy appeared to be trying to reason with the girl, who was apparently just as pissed off as she was beginning to get. They were also obviously old friends, by the way they were talking.

Then Remy suggested something, and they seemed to come to an agreement. A slow smile spread across the girl's face and she kissed Remy on the cheek, then headed off. Remy sat there, blinking.

And as if that wasn't enough, after a moment, the girl returned, and set a ring down next to Remy. It was a gold ring, with the most gigantic rock Rogue'd ever seen on it.

PRESENT TIME...

Rogue stormed into the mansion and sat down on the couch, arms crossed and glaring daggers at anyone who came within five feet.

ABOUT TEN MINUTES AGO...

Remy sat down on the park bench to wait for his _chere._ Sure, they lived in the same house, but getting privacy there was about as easy as killing an enemy of the X-men.

The girl who walked up to him first, however, was the last person he'd ever expected to see. She sat down next to him on the bench, clearly quite pissed off. She had silver hair and a Cajun accent. She also happened to be his cousin. "Hello, Remy."

"Er, Daphine... hi..." Remy grinned nervously and edged away. "Not that it's not nice to see you, but I've got a date in a few minutes..."

"Don't care," Daph responded. "Look, you idiot, the Guild sent me."

Remy gulped. "Why?"

"It's our ticket out," Daph responded, cheering up a bit. "We steal a big rock, I take it back to New Orleans, and poof! they shut up about us forever!"

"What's the 'big rock'?" Remy asked, somewhat suspicious.

At this Daphine got a little bit nervous. "Um... it's _L'Etoile de Tricherie..._"

Remy sat straight up, indignant. "Wait. You told them that we could- and would- steal the biggest, most heavily guarded piece of jewelry they keep in this shithole we call a town? WHERE ARE YOUR BRAINS WOMAN?!"

"I left them in my other purse." Daphine grabbed his face and pulled it by hers. "Listen, you idiot! This is our chance! We can be free! For good! No bugging us about anything- my botched job, your botched marriage, we can finally move on!"

"You've got a point," Remy admitted, pulling back.

"So you'll do it?"

After a moment's thought, Remy nodded. "Yeah, I'll do it. Now get out of here before my girlfriend shows up and kills me!"

Daphine grinned, kissed him on the cheek, then walked off. A moment later, she returned, dropping a slightly modified gold ring she'd stolen off a tourist earlier that day. "Give it to your girlfriend if she gets pissed because of me." Then she really did walk off.

"Dat was surreal," Remy mumbled, in English now. He checked his watch. _Rogue's never late... oh _merde. He waited a few more minutes. No Rogue.

Guessing the implications of this almost instantly, Remy sprang up and sprinted off towards the mansion.

AT THE MANSION...

Rogue was sitting and fuming on the couch, still, and then Kitty and Kurt came in. Unable to bear the happy-couple-ness that had so much to do with her own relationship, she headed outside, hoping that the fresh air would calm her and quell her doubts a bit. This turned out to be a very bad idea.

Remy had just arrived at the mansion himself, and was leaning over, trying to catch his breath. Daphine, his new cousin stalker, flipped over the wall and landed next to him. "Got more details, Rem," she said.

"What are y' doin' here?" Remy asked, not bothering to look up... again, a very bad idea, because if he had, he might've been able to save the situation a bit.

"Call from de Guild," Daph replied. "De t'ing's due Monday."

"Oh, _Dieu_," Remy mumbled. "Y' mean dey gave us two fuckin' days t' find it?"

"_Oui,_ generous, ain't dey? Who's dat?" Remy looked up now, and saw where, or rather who, Daphine was pointing at. It was Rogue. Not just Rogue though, but rather an extremely pissed off one.

"Oh, _merde,_" Remy mumbled. "Rogue!"

Rogue turned on her heel and ran into the house.

"_Merde!_"

"Who was dat?" Daph repeated.

"Dat was m' girlfriend... accent on de was."

IN THE MANSION...

Rogue growled. Loudly. This freaked out Bobby and Jubilee, who were plotting a prank in the corner. "We didn't do it!" they shouted in unison.

"Bobby!" Rogue cried.

"Y-yeah?"

"If ya evah want ta live ta see your sixteenth birthday, yah'll come with me, **now**," Rogue snapped.

"Y-yes ma'am..." Bobby stammered, and followed her.

There was a bamf and Kitty and Kurt showed up, searching for a safer mack site. "Uh oh," said Kurt. "That can't be good."

"Come on, Jubes," said Kitty, taking her arm. "We have eavesdropping to do."

"Um, ok," said Jubilee, offset by the sudden kidnapping of her boyfriend.

IN ROGUE'S ROOM...

Rogue indicated that Bobby should sit on the bed, then shut the door. "Ok, Bobby, here's the deal. Remy's cheatin'. Therefore, Ah havta get back at him. Do you know how Ah'm gonna do that?"

Bobby slowly shook his head. "No..."

"Ah didn't think so. Ya are goin' ta dump Jubes-"

"We're not dating!" Bobby quickly stammered, blushing.

"Yah're not?" Rogue asked, seeming quite taken aback. Then she shrugged. "Oh, well, that makes things easier. You are goin' to pretend to be mah boyfriend. Got it?"

Bobby squeaked. "Why?"

"Because Remy's a two-timin' bastard and if ya don't Ah'll tell everyone about who really made Jerry the Sentient Gelatin."

Bobby squeaked again. "Ok..."

OUTSIDE ROGUE'S ROOM...

"Like, ohmigod," Kitty said, holding her hands over her mouth. "I can't, like, believe this! Remy cheated on Rogue? He's like a love-sick dog around her! And she's getting revenge! And most of all, you weren't dating Bobby!" That last was directed at Jubilee.

"We never were," said Jubilee, as though she'd had to explain this several times before. "We just hung out a lot, ok?"

"If all you did was hang around and plot, why are you blushing so much?" Kurt teased.

"Kurt, like, shut up. We can interrogate Jubes later. Right now, we gotta find out what the heck's going on with Remy."

OUTSIDE THE MANSION...

Daph had shrugged and left, leaving Remy to sit by the gates and mope. He'd let Rogue rant and rage a bit, then he'd go in and fix everything, that'd been the plan. Then of course there was the "We only have two days" thing. Considering that it took a day to get to New Orleans from here, and this (the first day) was practically over and he didn't know where Daphine was staying, he had no chance to reconcile things within the next fourty-eight hours, giving Rogue time to rant, rage, and plot revenge. He was a dead man.

(And that's the first chappy. Do tell me what you think. I think this one's going to be quite a bit more random than the others, because A) I don't have an idea of what I want to do in every chapter and B) it will involve noodle bombs. Noodle bombs always involve randomnes. Review!)


	2. Fun with Ice Cream and Such

Disclaimer: "It's Dumbledore! When he was young! And French! No, it's like that Captain Picard guy! He talks with a British accent, when really he's from France!"

(An: Well, here we go again... I love doing these stories. At last, a popular reason to procrastinate!

CDLOC: Rogue isn't dense, she's just paranoid. Very, very paranoid. -shifty eyes- Yeah...

HH: I wanted to use the noodle incident, but then I remembered I used it on Andre in the last story. Jerry turned out to be funnier anyway. And when I involve the X-men in Jerry's creation I get this image of a very drunk Jean or Xavier making Jello tap-dance across the table... odd no?

Di: There you are! You do 'member it's your turn for CS, right? And I miss the Treasure chest series.. -cough cough-

Ish: Eurgh, don't mention bunnies... I had a fever a couple of weeks ago and the cough syrup gave me odd dreams, all about bunnies... yes, very weird, I know. Speaking of rabbits, just one q, Ish: Are Emil and Lapin the same person? I want to crack a joke about that if it's just a nickname in another fic I want to do, but I never quite got that straight... hell, I don't know who any of Remy's relatives are, pretty much.

Allimba: Compliments make me happy!

Silent Doom: Not really, but it might help. There is continuity... just not a lot. As for the diamond, it was the only thing I could think of. I'm not very original in that respect. Do you realize that you are the first person to give me constructive criticism that wasn't a flame... ever! Just look for the other "Shall We" stories.

Sangofanatic: I love Jubby and I couldn't resist a few jabs.

Abril4: Indeed...

ACBPB: Just don't tell Di you said that... I like Daphine! As for Jerry, see HH's response.

Epona04: Yeah, I just wanted to bug Robby fans... eurgh... -twitches at thought of X-2 scene-

Yay! Reviewers! And the ice cream thing is from a comics quote I read once... it involved Remy, safe-cracking, and Chunky Monkey ice cream... unfortunately I don't remember what site I found it on.)

A while later found Remy and Daphine in an ice cream shop.

The very terse assistant (Hi-My-Name-is-Sean) was trying to hurry them along because the boss was leaning out of her office and making throat-cutting gestures.

"What do y' t'ink?" Daphine asked, gazing down into the case.

"Two," Remy replied.

"Why two?"

"It's a big building. De alarm systems are too delicate t' jus' blow up. 'Sides, it's always good t' be prepared."

"_D'accord... _now what flavor?"

Over at a little booth, Kitty, Kurt, and Jubilee were watching them. "Oh. My. God. Why the heck are they talking about ice cream?"

Kitty and Kurt shrugged. "You've gotta understand, Jubes," said Kitty. "Remy doesn't tell us anything if he can avoid it. He keeps his mouth shut and just kind of stares at you until you change the subject."

"She should know," Kurt agreed. "She's the one who asks all the questions around the mansion. The phasing means she gets all of the answers and the questioned gets all of the annoyance, with none of the pain of physical assault."

Kitty slapped him.

"Funny, that seems pretty painful," Jubes commented.

"Ugh, can we drop the subject?" Kitty snapped. "Anyway, the gist of it is, Remy rarely makes any sense. Whenever anyone asks, he blames it on too much swamp gas when he was younger. Probably ice cream's some weird thief tradition on a first date or something."

"You think that's his new girlfriend, then?" Jubes asked.

"Yeah," Kurt and Kitty agreed in unison.

"She's got all the attributes: gorgeous- not that you're not better looking, Kitty," Kurt hastily assured her, sensing an impending slap, "rude, and blunt, with a perk, she's Cajun too."

Over by the ice cream counter, Remy and Daph finally agreed on a flavor and headed out, carrying two pints of ice cream.

"_D'accord_," said Remy. "Here's de deal. Tonight we stake out de place. Check it out. Tomorrow, we take de info we pick up tonight and plot, den get some sleep. Den we actually get de t'ing."

"Sounds good t' me," Daph agreed. "Is dere a good place t' eat 'round here?"

"Y' want trustworthy but expensive, or awful but fast and cheap?"

"Fast and cheap. I haven't had anythin' but airplane food in de last twenty-four hours."

Remy shuddered. "Don' mention airplanes, please."

Daphine giggled. "Still not over dat airsickness, den?"

"Shut up," said Remy, walking faster.

"I guess not."

Kitty, Kurt, and Jubilee were still stalking them. "I can't, like, believe him! He doesn't seem bothered at, like, all to be cheating on Rogue!"

"_Ja,_ Rogue's not going to be happy about this..."

"Is she ever happy?" Jubilee asked.

"You haven't seen her around Remy," Kitty replied. "She likes having a punchbunny/boyfriend, apparently."

Jubilee blinked.

"I, like, guess you like it too," Kitty added with a sly grin.

Jubilee, still out of it, nodded. "Yeah, it's- would you shut up! Bobby's **not** my boyfriend!"

"Sure..." agreed Kitty and Kurt in unison.

Jubilee, blushing again, glared at them both.

"You know, I can see why Bobby makes you blush so much," Kurt said. "You go a very interesting color."

"Shut up," Jubilee mumbled. "Just 'cause you're older than me is no reason to treat me like this."

"Oh, it's not your age, we treat everyone like this," Kitty said, and Kurt nodded.

"Hey, look! They're going into the Gut Bomb!" Kurt cried, excited.

"Kurt, we just, like, ate- ohmigod! They are!"

"You mean you doubted me?" Kurt asked, looking miffed. Kitty ignored him and followed.

"Why is it so surprising that they went in the Gut Bomb?" Jubilee asked, as usual confused by the utter enigma that was Remy.

"Remy regularly knocks it," Kurt said, shaking his head. "He says that it's idiotic and a death-trap. Poor sap doesn't know what he's missing."

Kitty rolled her eyes. "God, that is like the you equivalent of smoking," she muttered as they walked inside.

Remy and Daph ordered, and then sat down. Daph unwrapped her burger. "So tell me 'bout dis girl. Why y' so upset?"

Remy sighed. "Look, Daph, it's a long story."

"I don' have anythin' better t' do, and neither do y'."

Remy rolled his eyes. "Forgot how hard-headed y' are. Basically, de idea's dis: I went through a lot t' get dat girl. Pain, mental and physical, was involved a lot o' de time. She's perfect- and now she hates me. Did I mention she also has one helluva left hook?"

Daphine smirked. "Sounds like your kind of woman."

"_Oui,_ but she's also utterly paranoid- been double-crossed a lot, see- and tends t' jump t' conclusions... 'specially when it comes t' me. Anyway, dis'd be an easy t'ing t' fix, normally, but only if I went and fixed it ASAP. Let Rogue fester, and t'ings get messy. No doubt in m' mind, when I get back t' de mansion somethin' nasty's gonna be waitin' for me."

"What are they saying?" Kitty hissed. They were sitting near enough to Remy and Daphine that Kurt could pick up on what they were saying.

"Shh," Kurt hissed back. Then he blinked. "I don't think he's dating this girl."

"What do you mean!" Kitty and Jubilee whisper-shouted in unison.

"SHH!" Kurt responded. "He's... telling her about Rogue. In my experience the last thing women like to talk about is other women. And he's not even flirting with her!"

"Yeah, but he didn't flirt with Rogue and they still ended up, like, head over heels for each other," Kitty pointed out.

"Completely by accident, one might add," Kurt retorted. "Under different circumstances none of this crap would've happened. Now SHH!"

"Ok, I'm, like, sick of this," Kitty exclaimed, standing up.

"What are you doing?" Kurt asked.

"Going over there to see what really is going on!" Kitty replied, walking over to Remy and Daph's table.

"Oh, _Gott,_" Kurt mumbled, walking after her. "Come on, Jubes."

Remy was trying to understand how Daph could stomach the food when Kitty came over. She tapped him on the shoulder. Remy whirled, and then blinked. "Oh, **_merde!_**"

"Shit's right," Kitty snapped. "What the hell are you **doing**?"

"Heh heh..." said Remy, rubbing the back of his neck. "Dis must look kinda bad," he mumbled, glancing over at Daphine, who was watching with detached interest. "Look, whatever it is Rogue's doin', it ain't m' fault. Daph's m' cousin. Dere's kind of an... issue down in Cajun country and me 'n her are tryin' t' sort it out, _d'accord?_"

"No, it's not!" Kitty responded. "Rogue's dating Bobby because of you!"

This got Remy. "**_Quoi_**! Why Bobby!"

"Because Bobby was there, and he created Jerry, so he was easy to blackmail."

The other X-people paused to stare at Jubes. "You mean Bobby did dat?" said Remy, with something akin to respect spreading across his face. "Didn' know he could do dat..." Then he shook himself. "Dis is worse den I thought."

"Damn straight!" Kitty agreed. "What are you guys doing, anyway?"

"Eatin'," said Daphine, her first foray into the conversation. "It's a family t'ing."

"I thought that whole thing with Belladonna was fixed now, though," said Kurt, puzzled.

Remy and Daphine twitched. "How many times do I have t' tell y' people, don' say her name!" Remy cried.

"And it's not about **her**," said Daphine. "Dis is different."

"But what the hell are we supposed to tell Rogue?" Kitty inquired.

"Chaton. Daphine. Is. M'. **Cousin**. Dis is family business. I need a day or two t' sort it out and den I fix t'ings. But right now, 'm way too busy."

"With what?" Kitty asked. "Eating?"

"Plotting," Remy answered. "Thief stuff."

"Real specific, you," Kitty muttered.

"Chaton, jus' tell Rogue 'm not cheatin', ok?" Remy said, rubbing his temples. "_Dieu,_ I don' need dis."

"Come on, Kit," said Kurt, tugging on her arm. "This is getting too Jerry Springer-ish for my tastes."

Kitty glared at him but allowed herself to be dragged off.

Daphine, who had finished off her burger, watched them exit. "Friends o' yours?"

"_Oui,_" Remy said, now leaning his head on the table.

"What was up wit' 'em?"

"Kurt- the guy- is Rogue's brother, and he and Kitty were very involved in me 'n Rogue's relationship."

"How so?" Daphine had a curious/suspicious look on her face.

"Nothin' like dat, y' freak! Dey helped out when we conned de Guilds into ditchin' de arranged marriage t'ing, and den when we went t' get Rogue's power thingy. Dey kind of feel responsible for us, I guess."

"Dey sound kind of insane t' me."

"_Oui,_" Remy agreed fervently.

"What about de third chick?"

"Jubilee. She's Bobby's girlfriend."

"Ah."

"Now let's get on wit' dis, hmm?"

Daph tossed away the wrapper and they headed out.

(And that's that. Keep those lovely reviews coming. As for why this was so late, we had car troubles and stayed two days longer than we expected. Blegh.)


	3. Much planning and a number of late night...

Disclaimer"'Do you think the French people really like our berets?' She said, 'No, I think they think we are English people and therefore not normal.' 'How could they think that?' Then I noticed Rosie was wearing a fake mustache as well as her beret."

(An: Eee! Reviews!

HH-blink- Oh dear, have I really built up that kind of reputation? I'm gonna have to think of an amusing situation quickly, before I ruin that.

Ishy: They aren't quite that smart, and Rogue's not really in a "listening" mood. TY for the info. -cackles-

Xmengirlzrule: Did you skip the first chapter? They're trying to steal L'Etoile de Tricherie for the family so they'll shut up. Ooh, Cliff Hanger moment!

SF: Of course it'll be interesting! It will involve noodle bombs!

Chuckles123: Of course he does. Remy is the kind of guy who is designed to think he has all the answers. I love being able to rip the carpet out from underneath him. All the boxes? I am amazed.

CDLOC: NO! That is amusing, but I cannot. I still twitch every time I see that accursed Robby scene in X-2. I'm probably going to hurt myself when I have to write Robby for a movie fic I want to do. Someone else, with more guts can do it.

ACBPB: Yes, of course I watch Teen Titans! The Revolution ep rocks! Ooh, have you seen the Titanimal one? Raven!Rabbit and BeastBoy!Lamp! That makes me burst out laughing whenever I think of it... like right now... am I the only one who gets all the Yellow Submarine references in those eps? Um, anyway, Jubes isn't gonna admit it 'til later... much later -cackle-

SSS: Right now? You mean it's gonna end? And I just had this image in my mind: Kitty, pissed off, and behind her a cringing Kurt and a disinterested Jubes, a nervous Remy, and behind him a curious Daphine... then it explodes, I don't know why... I need more caffeine.

SD: To me, anyway. Usually I get compliments or flat-out flamed. Or suggestions! Yeah, he is, but he's got a hyper cousin following him around, a big rock to steal, and a really big carrot (the family-leaving-him-alone-forever thing) dangling over his head. And besides, Remy's ridiculously overconfident when it comes to women, remember?

Ok, I have ventured beyond the realm of the thought-out into the realm of randomness, so bear with me here. And I must credit the amazing InterNutter for coming up with noodle bombs. In case you're curious, it's from "Reale Liebe", which is an awesome fic I wish she would finish.)

AT THE INSTITUTE...

Kitty, Kurt, and Jubilee had arrived back. They were now in Kitty's room, plotting their attack. "Ok, here's my idea" Kurt said, spreading out a blueprint.

"What is that" Jubilee asked, eyes bugging out.

"It's a noodle bomb" Kurt explained. "Or, rather, the plan for it. We get Remy and Rogue in the same room, launch this baby, and bam! They'll have to work out their problems."

"And how the heck would that work" Jubilee asked, cocking her head.

"We use tomato paste, you see" said Kurt, in the tone that someone might use to explain something very obvious to a small child. "It sticks them to the wall."

"Why don't we just figure out a way to lock them both in the DR and make them work it out that way" Jubilee objected.

"Hmm..." Kurt murmured, eyeing his plans. "Well, this **would** require an obscene amount of tomato paste... I suppose we could save it for plan B." He sighed and rolled up the blueprint.

"Like, don't worry Kurt" said Kitty, back to her usual cheerful self"we can always stick one in Scott's uniform locker."

Kurt brightened. "That's perfect! That'll make him pay for those uniforms..." He twitched. "Spandex"

The girls twitched at that too. "Hey, at least you get one that looks good on you" Jubilee complained. "I get the standard X-suit, and that doesn't look good on **anybody**. And I barely ever get to wear it." She humphed.

Kitty and Kurt, having completely ignored her, were already halfway out the door.

"Ugh! That's what I get for being the youngest" Jubilee muttered. "Well, except for Jamie, but nobody cares about him..."

Jamie (or maybe one of his dupes) was walking by at the time, and stopped short, sticking his finger in the air. "DAMN STRAIGHT"

Kurt and Kitty sorted through ingredients in the kitchen. "I, like, know exactly how to get them in there..." Kitty murmured.

ROGUE'S SECRET CLOSET LAIR...

Ok, so maybe it was only a supply closet on the second floor. Ok, so the only light was a tiny little bare lightbulb on a string. Ok, so Rogue and Bobby took up most of it. But it was her lair, dammit, and it was sacred!

"Where are we" Bobby asked. His impression of a rabbit (a.k.a. twitching, nervousness, and jumping at every small noise) had not ceased since Rogue had purloined him.

"My lair, can't ya tell" Rogue cried, throwing out her arms.

"...No, not really... Should I"

"Yes"

"Um... ok..."

Rogue groaned. "This is gonna take a while..."

"Does anyone else know about this place" Bobby asked, looking around.

Rogue shrugged. "Prob'ly Logan, but he never comes here. Too far away from his beer, Ah guess. But no, Ah've nevah led anyone here. Yah're the first to get the privilege."

"Not even Remy"

"SPEAK NOT THE NAME" Rogue screeched.

"Sorry ma'am."

"Now then, we gotta plot, you idiot. Sit down."

"Yes, ma'am."

"Stop callin' me that"

"Sorry ma- Rogue."

"Now then, here's mah idea..."

AT THE BAYVILLE MUSEUM, QUITE A FEW HOURS LATER...

It was dark, it was late, and the museum was closed. "Not much o' a place" Daph commented.

"Nope" Remy replied.

"But they keep the Cheating Star here... shouldn't it be more... I don' know... impressive or somethin'"

"Dis is Bayville, and y' expect somethin' t' be impressive an' still standin'"

"Oh, good point."

Breaking in was the easy part. Finding _L'Etoile de Tricherie _was also easy, it being the only blue diamond in the place and also right in the middle of the room. Finding a place to sit and inspect the alarm systems was the tricky part. Little triplines were everywhere.

"Dis is gonna take longer den I thought" Daphine mumbled.

"You're talkin' wit' an X-man... and y' thought it would be easy"

THE NEXT DAY...

Daphine and Remy, totally exhausted, stumbled into a hotel room. "Four pints of Chunky Monkey, six hours, an' we still have barely any idea of how dat t'ing works" Daph observed.

"Focus on de positive."

"What positive"

"Bed" Remy responded, flopping onto his own and promptly passing out.

AT THE X-MANSION...

Rogue was pacing her room, nibbling a fingernail and muttering to herself. Bobby was dutifully sitting on the bed, being a good little blackmailed punchbunny. "Ah don't get it. Where the hell is he"

"Why do you care" Bobby asked, feeling a bit more daring now that Rogue didn't have her fist an inch from his face.

"Makin' someone jealous doesn't work if they don't know you're happy without them" Rogue retorted. "Gawd, you're such an idiot. ...wait, scratch that, you came up with Jerry. Ah forgot. Yah're just a guy."

"Wh-what's that supposed to mean" Bobby cried.

Rogue just stared at him. "Nope, scratch that, yah're an idiot. Now shut up. Ah gotta plot." With that, Rogue resumed pacing.

"This is gonna be a long day" Bobby mumbled as he flopped back on Rogue's bed.

IN KITTY'S BEDROOM...

Kitty was pacing as well. Kurt was hanging from the ceiling. If Kitty hadn't been so distracted with the enigma of Remy she might've noticed what he was staring at and just why his eyes were bugging out. Jubilee was sitting on Kitty's chair, which was turned around. "I, like, just don't get it. If she's his cousin, why didn't he show up today"

"Maybe they... you know... those backwater towns" Jubilee suggested.

Kitty stopped pacing and Kurt stopped staring to consider this. "Oh, god, no..." they said in unison. "DISGUSTING"

"And besides, you guys said Remy was adopted" she added. "So technically..."

"Can we **please** not go down that road" Kurt begged.

"Like, right" Kitty said, snapping out of it. For the first time she looked up, and spotted what Kurt was now staring at again. "ELF"

Kurt squeaked and let go of the rafter, landing on Kitty's bed and hiding beneath the blankets. "Please don't kill me! We've got work to do"

Kitty growled, but unfisted her hands. "You're gonna pay for that later."

"I think you've been spending too much time with Logan" Jubes commented.

Kitty's eyes narrowed.

"It might be a good idea to run now" Kurt suggested. "Or at least use the chair as a shield."

Jubilee just snapped her gum and watched Kitty calm herself down. "You're right" Kitty admitted, after a second. "I **have** been spending too much time with Logan. Bezerker rage moment there." She shook herself, then smiled. She fancied it wasn't a bit forced.

Jubilee looked a little bit scared. "So what are we going to do now"

Kurt and Kitty blinked. "What do you mean"

"Our plan depends on Remy being here" Jubes pointed out.

"Oh, right" Kurt agreed. "No Remy, no grape war, no DR time. We'll just have to find him, then."

He finally emerged from the sanctity of the covers and stood up.

"This is gonna be a long day" Jubilee mumbled, as she followed her older friends out.

(Yes, I'm purpously being tight-lipped on details when it comes to the plans... so sue me. Or better, review me!)


	4. Banana Nut Muffins and Teatime! Say it I...

Disclaimer: "Nothing is worse than being alone on the evening of the day one's fabulous cow exploded."

(An: Well, here we go again...

XMGR: You're not paranoid if you're right... which Rogue isn't, lol.

CDLOC: It's her secret closet lair! Do not insult it! That too, was stolen from the InterNutter. I know, sick, is it not? But I have a veeery sick mind.

ACBPB: These stories thrive on sexual inneundos/Kurtty, and you have to ask? Think about it for a bit... I appreciate him! I'm trying to give him a nice big part in the X-band! It never is. I love that ep! And I missed that one too.. Raven season, squee!

Di: Aw come on, pally, I didn't see it! It really is pretty cool... now are you gonna update it like you used to AtG? Who's Mr. Darcy?

SF: Stolen from Dobby in HP. I love quoting that line.

Eee. More fun. Just a thing: randomness equals easy writer's block. Thus, slower updates.)

"Now, if I were Remy, where would I hide?" Kurt mused, standing in Bayville park.

"Do you usually talk to yourself?" Jubes asked.

"Are you always this insolent?" Kurt retorted. "No wonder Logan never takes you on missions."

Jubilee's response was an impish grin.

"Can we get back on topic?" asked Kitty. "We have work to do. I made up a list of places where Remy likes to hang out- his apartment, seedy hotels, that kind of stuff."

"Man, these guys owe us," Kurt muttered. "We spend more time on **their** relationship then we do on ours."

IN ROGUE'S ROOM...

Rogue stopped pacing, having apparently come up with an idea. "Come on, Bobby. We've got work to do." She grabbed his hand and dragged him out.

"I'm doooomed..." Bobby mumbled.

AT THE PARK...

"Ok, we should, like, start with his, like, apartment," said Kitty. "It's easy to find, and the most likely place he might be."

"Why does he have an apartment, anyway?" Jubilee asked.

"Eh, it's just, like, his sanctum sanctorum," she murmured, engrossed in her map.

"What?"

"His hidey-hole for when he gets in trouble, in other words," Kurt explained.

"Um..."

"Nobody else gets it either," Kurt responded with a shrug. "It's a Remy thing."

"Come on," said Kitty, who had finally figured out her map. "To his apartment, away!" She stuck her finger in the air and ran off.

"Does she do that... often?"

"It's her way of signing off quite often, yes. Come on, before she gets too far ahead of us."

IN THE HOTEL...

Remy stirred in his sleep, almost as though he knew that somehow, somewhere, two fixated women were looking for him.

IN THE ICE CREAM SHOP...

"Funny," Rogue murmured, looking around. "Usually you can find Remy here on Sundays."

"Does he come for a Sundae?" Bobby asked, jumping at the prospect of an easy pun.

"No, he likes Chunky Monkey," Rogue replied absently. "Mebbe he's at his apartment..." She started off, dragging Bobby along behind her.

AT REMY'S APARTMENT...

In the way of bad stories and bad teen movies, Rogue, Kitty, Kurt, Bobby, and Jubilee all arrived at pretty much the same time. "What're you guys doin' here?" Rogue asked, inspecting them suspiciously.

"Can't innocent friends go for an innocent visit to a maybe-not-so-innocent-friend's house... innocently?" Kurt asked, with his big I'm-not-doing-anything grin.

"Ah ain't buyin' it, blue boy. Whatcha want Remy for? And if ya lie, Ah'll smack ya."

"Ok, we're here to fetch Remy so we can instigate a complicated plot involving various food items and a creature known as a spongemonkey in order to patch up your relationship," said Kurt.

"Ah said no- wait, that **does** sound like somethin' y'all would come up with," Rogue said, biting her lip. "Get outta here right now and Ah won't totally kill you, got it?"

"Yes ma'am," said Kurt, grabbing Kitty and Jubilee and bamfing off.

"Ok, that **so** didn't work," Kitty muttered. "And Remy wasn't there either."

"How'd you know? Jubilee asked. "We didn't even get to go inside."

"Remy has a 'Rogue sense,'" Kitty replied. "If she's anywhere around, he knows. Of course, considering how mad she is at him, he'd probably run as fast as he could in the opposite direction... He's a nut like that. Like Kurt's snack sense." (1)

Jubilee stared at them in such a way that it was obvious that she'd never heard of Kurt's snack sense.

"For example," said Kurt, holding up a finger, "right now, back at the mansion, Ororo's making muffins."

"What kind?" Kitty furthered.

"Nut. **Banana** nut, no less."

"Ooh, you're good," Kitty agreed.

A FEW HOURS LATER...

Kitty, Kurt, and Jubilee slumped down on a park bench, defeated. "We've checked every place on the list," Kurt stated, panting. "Every single one, even the seedy hotels. Neither hide nor hair of Remy."

"Nope," said Jubilee. "What do we do now?"

"That is the question," said Kurt and Kitty in unison.

"Logan's right; that **is** creepy."

AT THE HOTEL...

Remy sat up, rubbing his head. "Thieving sucks," he muttered. He glanced over at the clock. It was only seven, and Daphine was still asleep. _Mebbe I can patch things up before havin' t' do all dis _merde, he thought, creeping out. "_Oui_, and mebbe I'll go home and find Magneto and Xavier havin' tea."

AT THE X-MANSION...

"Pass the tea, Charles?"

"Certainly, Magnus. Could you hand me some of those lovely muffins? I do **so** adore banana nut."

(Ok... I know it's short but I wanted to get this up. I know where the next two chapters are going, so they should be up soon. I'm just lazy. As for the ending... -shrugs- Randomness Inc., how may I direct your call?)

(1) Kurt's snack sense is copped from a discussion on the Nutboard... yeesh, I'm stealing so many things from there.


	5. Finally, an End to All those Nasty Hangi...

Disclaimer: "What ho, a chicken? In a very different style of illustration, I might add."

(An: Since I decided to kill this before y'all got sick of it, this is the second-to-last chapter, basically wrapping everything up except for Kitty and Kurt's part.

Xmengirlzrule: I just couldn't resist... here I thought people would yell at me for descending into madness, and instead, I get comments about muffins! -giggles-

Dis Chick Digs Da Fuzzy Dude: First off- heart the new name! We could start a "Diggin' the Fuzzy Dude Support Group!" Anyway... Blondness! And I have homework too... I'm just lazy... Ooh! Great minds really DO think alike!

RITR: Where ya been girl? Haven't seen ya! Your review made me giggle. A lot of reviews made me giggle, as a matter of fact...

CDLOC: Silliness is my passion. -happy dance-

Elmo the Cajun Puppet: Your review made me choke on my Dew. Literally. I -love- the name. And it's not any of those ridiculous "news stations"- it's Alex Smells Like Feces News reporting live- well sorta- from Neillsville! Remy's apartment... hmm... you gave me an idea...

SF: No, I'm seeing torture... slow torture... -grins-

SD: Of -course- Remy is going to make things worse! That's the way things work! And I stole the hidey-hole thing from Garfield... I heart Latin... Funny, you picked up on all that but didn't spot the POTC ref...

Since this is going to have so much nice stuff, this chapter should be extra-long... and probably slow in coming... And I realized that I haven't had much mention of the running jokes... That shall not be so if I can help it! -cackles madly-)

IN THE PARK

Remy ducked behind a tree. Kitty and Kurt were arguing over where to look for him next. Also, his 'Rogue sense' was going off. _I'm gonna die... we make plans t' stick t' 'em, LeBeau!_

And with that thought he booked for his hotel room.

IN ANOTHER SECTOR OF THE PARK

Rogue stopped, holding up a hand. "DAMMIT!" she shouted.

"What?" Bobby asked, after recovering from his near heart attack. It was no secret that Rogue scared the shit out of him.

"We just missed 'im," Rogue muttered. Bobby, although an idiot, had caught on enough to not have ask who "'im" was.

BACK WITH REMY

Remy started running faster, hearing a very familiar voice scream "DAMMIT!"

IN YET ANOTHER SECTOR OF THE PARK

Kurt, Kitty, and Jubilee also heard the "DAMMIT!"

"Well, that can't bode well," said Kurt, blinking.

"On the contrary," Kitty responded. "It means Remy's here, since that was obviously Rogue reacting to 'just missing him'."

"It's kind of creepy how well you know them," Jubilee commented.

"How do you think** we** feel?" Kurt and Kitty replied.

"Don't **do** that!"

"Sorry," they said.

Jubilee shook her head. "So what do we do now?"

"Go home," Kurt suggested. "If Remy's here, he's either running back to where he's hiding, or getting his ass kicked by Rogue."

"Yep," Kitty agreed, nodding. "Besides, we still have to put the noodle bomb in Scott's locker!"

"Good point," Jubilee admitted. "I just hope Rogue doesn't kill Bobby..."

"Are you **sure** you're not dating him?" Kurt asked, poking her as they started for the mansion.

"YES, FOR THE LAST TIME!"

"Ooooh, **touchy**."

"Urge to kill... rising..."

BACK WITH REMY, YES, AGAIN...

Remy made it back to his hotel room.

Daphine was waiting for him, and she poked him upon entry. "Jus' what were y' doin'?"

"Well, I found out dat m' so-called 'friends' went up t' m' apartment... which is weird..."

"_Porquoi_?"

"As I've told dem, m' apartment is infested wit' evil mutant rats 'cause de landlady hates me."

"Why, 'cause you're a mutant?"

"No, 'cause I'm datin' Rogue instead of her."

"Ah."

AT MUTANT MANOR...

Kurt walked out of the locker room, looking very pleased with himself.

"What," Tabby asked, walking up beside him, "did Badger actually pass you in a session?"

"Yeah, right, like that'll ever happen," Kurt replied, rolling his eyes. "Nope, I put a noodle bomb in Scott's locker."

"Ooh, major brownie points, Blue," Tabby agreed. "Minus some since he's not here today."

"He's not?"

"Nope! Commander yes-there's-a-stick-up-my-ass-and-yes-I-like-it Scooter is off doing... well, Scooter things!"

"Ah, well, a delayed reaction's always the best." Kurt shrugged.

LATER THAT NIGHT...

Remy and Daphine crept into the museum. There were guards, of course, but hey, they were professionals! A couple of fat idiots were no problem.

"T' hell wit' sophistication," Remy muttered. There was a flash and the power in the whole place went out.

"Smaaart," Daphine groused, until Remy held up a lit card.

"See? No problem."

"No problem? It's pink."

"It's magenta," Remy retorted.

"Pink by any other name is jus' as pink," said Daphine, but shut up anyway. "Lemme handle dis. Y' need all your energy for de pink t'ing."

Remy glared at her.

"T' t'ink, we were gonna do dis de hard way," Daphine commented. "If you're gonna cheat, den I might as well." She placed her hand on the keyhole of the glass case. "Amateurs," she muttered, as diamond flowed from her fingertips to fill the space. She turned the improvised key. "You'd t'ink after all dat trouble, dis would be harder."

Remy gaped as Daphine lifted the case and removed the jewel. The diamond key disappeared and she walked back. "Why didn't y' mention y' could do dat?"

"Your powers got exploited, so why not mine?"

"Good point."

Daphine carefully pocketed _L'Etoile Du Tricherie_, grinning.

"What're y' gonna do after de Guild lets y' off?"

"Eh, same ol', same ol'," Daphine said, shrugging. "Y' know, forge a few paintings, nick a few jewels and replace 'em wit' m' own, stuff like dat."

"Ah, _oui_."

THE NEXT MORNING...

Remy crept into the mansion. _Least I didn' have t' come in through de window again..._

"Ah **knew** it!" someone yelled. A flashlight got switched on.

"OW!" Bobby cried.

"Be quiet, you," Rogue replied, smacking him. "And if you take one more step, swamp rat-"

Remy straightened up, grinning nervously. _Damn_.

"Bobby, get outta here. This is gonna get ugly."

Bobby needed no further urging.

Remy was impressed in spite of himself. "You've got him trained."

"Rulin' by fear usually works on idiots."

"I'M NOT AN IDIOT!"

"Surprised nobody's woken up yet," Remy commented.

"They can sleep through Kurt singing Beatles songs in German- off-key, no less- they can sleep through a coupla pissed off Southerners beatin' the crap outta each other." She moved closer. "You have thirty seconds."

"WE ALL LIVE IN A YELLOW SUBMARINE!"

"Start over."

"SHUT UP!"

"Ok. Third times the charm."

(And that's that. Click onward, people, for more of the random humor and finally- an end to this weird crap!)


	6. An End to the Actual Series! Alas, Alack...

Disclaimer: "Then you'll realize it is not the spoon that bends, it is only yourself... constipation?"

(An: Since I kept you guys waiting so long, I decided to give you the last chappy... Serious randomness ahead...)

LATER THAT MORNING...

Kurt, Kitty, and Jubilee came down the steps to kind of an odd sight. Rogue and Remy were sitting on the couch. Not odd of itself, but considering what had been going on lately...

Kitty jabbed Kurt in the chest. "Go get the spongemonkeys," she hissed.

"Oh, **shit**!" Kurt cried, and bamfed.

"I was wonderin' who put those in m' room," Remy commented sleepily. "What de hell are those t'ings, anyway?"

"Spongemonkeys," Kitty explained, a big, blatantly forced smile on her face.

"Did you kill Bobby?" Jubilee asked from behind her.

"Is he your boyfriend?" Rogue asked.

"NO!"

"He's in his room... Ah think. Or he could be dead."

Jubilee dashed for the New Recruits wing.

"Y' shouldn' mess wit' de New Recruits's head," said Remy, stretching. "Dey get t' pick out de retirement home. And why, praytell," he added, turning his attention back to Kitty, "did y' feel de need to put a colony-"

"Mob."

"Mob, then, of spongemonkeys in m' room? Woulda thought de mutant cockroaches in m' apartment were enough..."

Kurt came back. "Disaster has been averted," he informed everyone.

"Tell the nice people just, like, why we put them in his room," Kitty said, jabbing him in the ribs again.

"That hurts, you know." Kitty stared at him. "All right, all right. Do you want the full explanation, or the short version?"

"Short version," Remy and Rogue chorused.

"Spongemonkeys are creepy, so we figured you'd back out into the hallway so we could drop a bag over your head," said Kurt with a shrug.

"...Y' get crazier every day," Remy said.

Kitty was apparently not paying any attention. "So you two have decided not to, like, kill each other?"

"Yeah," they replied.

"He's an idiot, but his reasons are understandable," Rogue explained, shrugging.

"THEN WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO WITH TEN POUNDS OF GRAPES!" Kitty cried.

"...Good question. Not our problem."

"What would y' use them for, anyway?" Remy asked, eyebrow raised.

"Starting a grape war, of course," said Kurt.

"And just- never mind, I don't want t' know. Dis conversation's weird enough." With that, he walked out, Rogue following.

A FEW HOURS LATER...

Jubilee was flicking marshmallows onto Remy's face.

Said swamp rat was asleep, legs draped over the side. Whenever Jubilee managed to get one on his face, he would scratch the offended spot, to her endless amusement.

She was muffling a fit of giggles when Rogue came in, reading a book.

Jubilee hurriedly set the bag on the table.

Rogue took no notice of this. She sat down by Remy's head. Noting the marshmallows, she took one off his forehead and popped it into her mouth.

Remy rolled over, right off the couch. He sat up, blinking.

Rogue reached over for another marshmallow, engrossed in her book. Finding none, she grabbed the bag off the table.

Jubilee could contain it no longer. She slid off her chair, laughing fit to split.

Both Southerners looked up (Remy just missing the coffee table). "What's so funny?" they asked in unison.

Jubilee nearly choked at that.

Rogue picked up her book and the bag of marshmallows. "You've got marshmallows in your hair," she informed Remy, walking out.

Remy put a confused hand in his hair. He picked one out, eyebrow raised. "Where did dat come from?" he wondered aloud, following Rogue.

Rogue walked past the locker room, where Kitty and Kurt were just walking out. Both had matching evil grins.

Rogue stopped short. "Ok. What'd y'all do?"

"We used the ten pounds of grapes," Kurt clarified.

"It's simply **amazing** how much Scott's locker can hold. Was that brown thing in there yours?" Kitty asked Rogue.

"Yeah," Rogue admitted. "Ah was gonna put it in Remy's room, but there were these... things in there."

"Spongemonkeys," Kurt said.

"Ah feel so much bettah now that Ah know the name of the creatures that almost killed me."

"Spongemonkeys are indeed quite vicious," Remy agreed.

Then Logan came walking by. "'Scuse me, weirdoes. Good to see you aren't killing each other. Gotta get somethin' outta Scooter's locker."

All of the X-teens gasped, and then began waving their arms and shouting frantically. "NO NO NO DON'T!"

SPPPPIIIILLLAAAATTTT!

After the grape splatters and tomato paste impeding everyone's vision was removed, Logan could be seen. He was pinned to the wall by a thick mess of orange stuff, brown stuff, noodles, grapes, and something unidentifiable.

"Wow. A lotta people must really hate Scott," Kurt commented.

"Well, duh," Remy interjected. "He's got a pole up his ass and he makes us wear spandex."

"Good point."

"As soon as I figure out a way to get down, I'm going to kill you all," Logan said, utterly calm. "My claws are gunked up."

"Considering, that's a nice fact," Kurt commented.

Kitty grabbed him. "Common if you like your face!"

The group booked for the roof. "Now what?" Kurt asked.

"Now we decide who t' eat first. We're prob'bly gonna be up here a while," Remy said. "I, for one, say we eat Kurt."

"Why me!"

"'Cause it's your fault he's stuck t' de wall at all."

"I hate to say it, Kurt, but he's got a point," Kitty admitted.

Kurt sniffled. "Even my girlfriend wants to eat me!"

"Heck no, I'm a vegetarian, remember?"

"Well, then, let's eat her first," Rogue suggested. "She'd die anyway, and her perkiness will drive us all psycho anyway."

"Hey, is that Bobby and Jubes?" Kurt asked, peering over the edge.

"Y-"

There was a splut sound as all of them got covered in noodles.

"Like, EW!" Kitty cried, squeezing sauce from her hair.

"They messed up on the recipe," Kurt observed, tasting himself. "They used tomato sauce, not paste."

"De fact dat y' can tell is really, **really** weird. Dis was m' favorite coat, too," he added, flicking noodles off himself.

"So what **do** we do now? We can't go in the mansion, 'cause Logan'll totally kill us, we can't decide who to eat first, and we're covered in noodles." She picked off a note that jubililantly proclaimed, "Yes, we're dating!"

"Make out?" Remy suggested.

"That works," Rogue, Kitty, and Kurt chorused.

(And thus, we come to the end of an era. -sniffles- I hope you enjoyed it, etc. If you liked this, you might like another Romy in the works, "Swamp Rats and Lost Things and Fred, Oh My!" One of the centric characters is a jade plant. -winks- Review, I beg, even if it is just to heckle me for this lack of plot/definite romance!)


End file.
